A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."
_A-Son-And-His-father_
A son takes his ill father to the doctor. After a thorough examination,the doctor advises that the father is dying of cancer. On the way home from the hospital, the father tells his son that he has had a good, long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate. Surprised, the son reluctantly agrees.
While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying from AIDS. When his friends leave, the son says, "Dad, you're dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "It's rather simple, son... I don't want my friends fucking your mother after I'm gone!"
At The Sperm Bank
A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."
She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank."
He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."
She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?"
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend
either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black" "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that !" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
It's Where You Set Your Standards
It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out.
The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass"
The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass."
Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."
Vengence Is Mine!
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."
a guy spotted a girl out in the street with the perfect breasts
and ran up to her and asks
- sorry but I couldn't help noticing your perfect
breasts - would you let me bite them for a hundred
dolalrs?
Girl- fu_ck off
Guy- how about a thousand
Girl- no way, I'm not a wh0re!
Guy- how about ten thousand?!
....the woman thought for a while, after all
thats a substantial amount
Girl- well ok, but not here
....so they walk into a dark alley, she takes
her top off and shows the most beautifull breasts
in the world.
The guy starts fondling and carresing them, sucking
and kissing on the nipples, after a while the girl
is getting a little impatien
Girl- are you going to finally bite them or not?!?!
Guy- naaaa, ten thousand is a little too expensive for me.....
--The--Colonel--and--the--Camel--
It’s Colonel Smith’s first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, “What about that little stable over there? What’s that for?”
“Well,” says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment,
“you may have noticed there aren’t any women on the base. You
see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can –”
The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. “PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point.”
Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk’s desk one Saturday afternoon. “Tell me,” the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, “is the camel free this afternoon?”
The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. “How about I schedule you in for 2:00?”
The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the
stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel. Just as he’s nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on
his face.
“Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn’t it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?”
The Mailman's Retirement
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."
_A-Son-And-His-father_
A son takes his ill father to the doctor. After a thorough examination,the doctor advises that the father is dying of cancer. On the way home from the hospital, the father tells his son that he has had a good, long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate. Surprised, the son reluctantly agrees.
While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying from AIDS. When his friends leave, the son says, "Dad, you're dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "It's rather simple, son... I don't want my friends fucking your mother after I'm gone!"
At The Sperm Bank
A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."
She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank."
He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."
She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?"
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend
either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black" "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that !" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
It's Where You Set Your Standards
It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out.
The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass"
The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass."
Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."
Vengence Is Mine!
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."
a guy spotted a girl out in the street with the perfect breasts
and ran up to her and asks
- sorry but I couldn't help noticing your perfect
breasts - would you let me bite them for a hundred
dolalrs?
Girl- fu_ck off
Guy- how about a thousand
Girl- no way, I'm not a wh0re!
Guy- how about ten thousand?!
....the woman thought for a while, after all
thats a substantial amount
Girl- well ok, but not here
....so they walk into a dark alley, she takes
her top off and shows the most beautifull breasts
in the world.
The guy starts fondling and carresing them, sucking
and kissing on the nipples, after a while the girl
is getting a little impatien
Girl- are you going to finally bite them or not?!?!
Guy- naaaa, ten thousand is a little too expensive for me.....
--The--Colonel--and--the--Camel--
It’s Colonel Smith’s first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, “What about that little stable over there? What’s that for?”
“Well,” says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment,
“you may have noticed there aren’t any women on the base. You
see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can –”
The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. “PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point.”
Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk’s desk one Saturday afternoon. “Tell me,” the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, “is the camel free this afternoon?”
The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. “How about I schedule you in for 2:00?”
The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the
stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel. Just as he’s nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on
his face.
“Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn’t it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?”
The Mailman's Retirement
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
