I thought this shit was funny as FUCK!!! 
[flash]http://www.youtube.com/v/_S7YFVywhSk&hl=en[/flash]
http://smokingsection.rawkus.com/TSS/?p=3717#more-3717
Occasionally something can come along that is so utterly devoid of good, so bereft of genius that it comes to act as the polar opposite of good, a magnet of evil, a signpost for where that culture went wrong.
In hip-hop today, my friends, that thing is music videos with DJ Khaled in them.
1. The cinematography
From the get-go, we know we’re in for a treat. No need for quick jump-cuts here – Khaled and his ilk have clearly upgraded here and it’s a nice start. My first impression is that this video could, just maybe, jump off from the thematic content of the song in the form of a polemic against the police and racial profiling. I’m impressed, thus far.
2. The stop
Not more than 13 seconds in, and already this video has jumped the proverbial shark. A lethargic-looking Rick Ross, with smoke cascading out of his nostrils, looks to be in some sort of diabetic coma. Perhaps, I think, he was driving all over the road, his blood-sugar levels having deleteriously affected his driving skills. But no – he is being pulled over, of course, because he was speeding.
3. The girl massaging Rick Ross
I’m so, so sorry. I can’t imagine what cruel twists of fate lead to this, and I don’t care to. It would be too painful. I bet he sweats…a lot.
4. DJ Khaled
Ah, yes!!! Acting alchemy at its best. Khaled flexes his thespian muscles, delivering – with a panache worthy of only a man so mediocre as he – what has got to go down as one of the best lines, ever. “Man, you must be new or something,” he says, unsticking his heft from the leather seat. “Man, we the best, man.” Man, we the best, man – and he says it without resorting to his Pacino impression/jackal screech! Absolutely incredible.
5. The girl massaging DJ Khaled
I don’t even know what to say about this. My mouth goes dry and my muscles seize up at just the thought of this. Ugh. If karma exists, I would hazard a guess she was Adolph Hitler in a previous life.
6. The dash to end all dashes
Seeing Rick Ross break out into a run is a little like seeing the sun explode. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime event, one that could spell doom for everything you love and hold dear, and yet you’re held in place, rigid as stone, marveling at the extraordinary spectacle unfolding before your eyes. Seeing him plant his left foot and break into a full-out, unwieldy, heavy-gutted sprint for the side of the bridge is, simply put, one of the best things I have ever seen. If Rick Ross were an automobile, judging from his acceleration, he would be a retarded sloth strapped to square wheels, soaked in molasses.
7. The decision to jump into the water
Now, this is where the video really takes off, I think. I would have loved to sit on the brainstorm that came up with this – Rick Ross gets pulled over, for speeding (now, this is a man who boasts of making millions, even billions of dollars, so one would think a speeding ticket would be easily managed, but I digress), and, faced with the life-or-death decision of demerit points, decides to jump off of a bridge. Obviously, the physics of the situation eluded the brainstormers – surely Rick Ross would have sunk to the bottom of the ocean like a heavy, heavy rock, or at the very least would have emptied that particular body of water with the sheer force of his girth. In any case, whoever came up with this idea is a special, special person. Of course, I use “special” in the pejorative sense.
8. The boats
Okay. I feel like I’ve missed something here, and perhaps I have, and it will all be resolved in the director’s cut of this video, but why is Rick Ross suddenly in different clothes, surrounded by women in bikinis, on a yellow speedboat? What has happened here? I’m assuming that there was a plan beforehand, one that goes along these lines: In the event that Rick Ross will get pulled over for speeding on a bridge, we should have numerous speedboats, piloted by women in bikinis, zooming through the waters of Miami, carrying a change of clothes, and a healthy wad of cash to throw in the water, for said fugitive. Following his rescue from the water, the lines of communication will open, and everybody’s speedboats will meet up for fun times.
9. Fat Joe
Ahh, yes. What would a mediocre video be without the hideous visage of Fat Joe mean-mugging the camera?
10. Rick Ross throwing money into the water
He’ll regret that in a few years, when the law of diminishing record sales returns takes hold, and he finds he can’t maintain his prodigious circumference, make it rain, and pay his speeding tickets all at once anymore.
11. Rick Ross’ passion
He seems so genuinely upset that he had to tell that white girl it was their last dance. I don’t know why, but all of a sudden I feel for the guy, just a little bit.
12. Diddy?
Exactly how was he hoodwinked into appearing in this? Apparently somebody’s child support bills are proving to be a little more difficult to pay than originally thought.
13. Rick Ross’ dance
Is it just me, or does Rick Ross’ dance bear an unmistakable resemblance to the humping motion Will Ferrell makes in ‘Wedding Crashers’? He does the same facial expression as well. Is Rick Ross going meta on us?
14. R. Kelly’s absence
It’s fine, I guess, but I don’t know why Rick Ross is pretending to sing the chorus. I’m pretty sure those higher notes would just get muffled by his beard.
15. Car racing?
I don’t even know what’s happening anymore, but I do know there are fast cars all of a sudden, and Rick Ross is wearing red leather. And he’s wearing sunglasses, at night. That can’t be safe.
16. R. Kelly!
He’s back. I suppose his legal aversion to water sports played a role in his absence from the boat scenes. Ayo!
17. Rick Ross’ get up
The beard and the red leather jacket makes him look like a scary, scary Santa Claus.
18. The Grammys
Why are they going to the Grammys? Won’t the cop that he ran away from see him on TV? And why, pray tell, is the paparazzi going bonkers for Rick Ross? And what the hell is R. Kelly wearing around his neck? And what is DJ Khaled doing now? I’m assuming he was detained, and is being questioned about Rick Ross’ possible whereabouts. Kind of shitty of Rick, if you ask me. Sorry Khaled, gotta amble over to the bridge here and go party in speedboats, race cars, and go to the Grammies. You deal with the authorities, if you will. Shit’s a little condescending.
19. The weird neckpiece at 3:26
What is that? Who is wearing that? Why is there a close-up of it here? Watch Rick Ross do a flabbergasting Arsenio impression right after it though.
20. The conclusion
Well, apparently I’ve been duped. That didn’t happen, of course. DJ Khaled and Rick Ross dealt with the situation in a far more civilized, and realistic manner. Instead of paying, um, a speeding ticket, they apparently have diamond-flooded watches on hand to bribe police officers with. And then he hands it over, and while he does that, he says, “Sir, here’s my license.” Super, super badass, Rick Ross.
21. ‘Boss’
From now on, when somebody says something to me indicating an end to the conversation – “Sir, have a nice day,” for example, from which a simple “You too” would suffice – I will, like Rick Ross, simply say, “Boss.”
[flash]http://www.youtube.com/v/_S7YFVywhSk&hl=en[/flash]
http://smokingsection.rawkus.com/TSS/?p=3717#more-3717
Occasionally something can come along that is so utterly devoid of good, so bereft of genius that it comes to act as the polar opposite of good, a magnet of evil, a signpost for where that culture went wrong.
In hip-hop today, my friends, that thing is music videos with DJ Khaled in them.
1. The cinematography
From the get-go, we know we’re in for a treat. No need for quick jump-cuts here – Khaled and his ilk have clearly upgraded here and it’s a nice start. My first impression is that this video could, just maybe, jump off from the thematic content of the song in the form of a polemic against the police and racial profiling. I’m impressed, thus far.
2. The stop
Not more than 13 seconds in, and already this video has jumped the proverbial shark. A lethargic-looking Rick Ross, with smoke cascading out of his nostrils, looks to be in some sort of diabetic coma. Perhaps, I think, he was driving all over the road, his blood-sugar levels having deleteriously affected his driving skills. But no – he is being pulled over, of course, because he was speeding.
3. The girl massaging Rick Ross
I’m so, so sorry. I can’t imagine what cruel twists of fate lead to this, and I don’t care to. It would be too painful. I bet he sweats…a lot.
4. DJ Khaled
Ah, yes!!! Acting alchemy at its best. Khaled flexes his thespian muscles, delivering – with a panache worthy of only a man so mediocre as he – what has got to go down as one of the best lines, ever. “Man, you must be new or something,” he says, unsticking his heft from the leather seat. “Man, we the best, man.” Man, we the best, man – and he says it without resorting to his Pacino impression/jackal screech! Absolutely incredible.
5. The girl massaging DJ Khaled
I don’t even know what to say about this. My mouth goes dry and my muscles seize up at just the thought of this. Ugh. If karma exists, I would hazard a guess she was Adolph Hitler in a previous life.
6. The dash to end all dashes
Seeing Rick Ross break out into a run is a little like seeing the sun explode. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime event, one that could spell doom for everything you love and hold dear,
and yet you’re held in place, rigid as stone, marveling at the extraordinary spectacle unfolding before your eyes. Seeing him plant his left foot and break into a full-out, unwieldy, heavy-gutted sprint for the side of the bridge is, simply put, one of the best things I have ever seen. If Rick Ross were an automobile, judging from his acceleration, he would be a retarded sloth strapped to square wheels, soaked in molasses.7. The decision to jump into the water
Now, this is where the video really takes off, I think. I would have loved to sit on the brainstorm that came up with this – Rick Ross gets pulled over, for speeding (now, this is a man who boasts of making millions, even billions of dollars, so one would think a speeding ticket would be easily managed, but I digress), and, faced with the life-or-death decision of demerit points, decides to jump off of a bridge. Obviously, the physics of the situation eluded the brainstormers – surely Rick Ross would have sunk to the bottom of the ocean like a heavy, heavy rock, or at the very least would have emptied that particular body of water with the sheer force of his girth. In any case, whoever came up with this idea is a special, special person. Of course, I use “special” in the pejorative sense.
8. The boats
Okay. I feel like I’ve missed something here, and perhaps I have, and it will all be resolved in the director’s cut of this video, but why is Rick Ross suddenly in different clothes, surrounded by women in bikinis, on a yellow speedboat? What has happened here? I’m assuming that there was a plan beforehand, one that goes along these lines: In the event that Rick Ross will get pulled over for speeding on a bridge, we should have numerous speedboats, piloted by women in bikinis, zooming through the waters of Miami, carrying a change of clothes, and a healthy wad of cash to throw in the water, for said fugitive. Following his rescue from the water, the lines of communication will open, and everybody’s speedboats will meet up for fun times.
9. Fat Joe
Ahh, yes. What would a mediocre video be without the hideous visage of Fat Joe mean-mugging the camera?
10. Rick Ross throwing money into the water
He’ll regret that in a few years, when the law of diminishing record sales returns takes hold, and he finds he can’t maintain his prodigious circumference, make it rain, and pay his speeding tickets all at once anymore.
11. Rick Ross’ passion
He seems so genuinely upset that he had to tell that white girl it was their last dance. I don’t know why, but all of a sudden I feel for the guy, just a little bit.
12. Diddy?
Exactly how was he hoodwinked into appearing in this? Apparently somebody’s child support bills are proving to be a little more difficult to pay than originally thought.
13. Rick Ross’ dance
Is it just me, or does Rick Ross’ dance bear an unmistakable resemblance to the humping motion Will Ferrell makes in ‘Wedding Crashers’? He does the same facial expression as well. Is Rick Ross going meta on us?
14. R. Kelly’s absence
It’s fine, I guess, but I don’t know why Rick Ross is pretending to sing the chorus. I’m pretty sure those higher notes would just get muffled by his beard.
15. Car racing?
I don’t even know what’s happening anymore, but I do know there are fast cars all of a sudden, and Rick Ross is wearing red leather. And he’s wearing sunglasses, at night. That can’t be safe.
16. R. Kelly!
He’s back. I suppose his legal aversion to water sports played a role in his absence from the boat scenes. Ayo!
17. Rick Ross’ get up
The beard and the red leather jacket makes him look like a scary, scary Santa Claus.
18. The Grammys
Why are they going to the Grammys? Won’t the cop that he ran away from see him on TV? And why, pray tell, is the paparazzi going bonkers for Rick Ross? And what the hell is R. Kelly wearing around his neck? And what is DJ Khaled doing now? I’m assuming he was detained, and is being questioned about Rick Ross’ possible whereabouts. Kind of shitty of Rick, if you ask me. Sorry Khaled, gotta amble over to the bridge here and go party in speedboats, race cars, and go to the Grammies. You deal with the authorities, if you will. Shit’s a little condescending.
19. The weird neckpiece at 3:26
What is that? Who is wearing that? Why is there a close-up of it here? Watch Rick Ross do a flabbergasting Arsenio impression right after it though.
20. The conclusion
Well, apparently I’ve been duped. That didn’t happen, of course. DJ Khaled and Rick Ross dealt with the situation in a far more civilized, and realistic manner. Instead of paying, um, a speeding ticket, they apparently have diamond-flooded watches on hand to bribe police officers with. And then he hands it over, and while he does that, he says, “Sir, here’s my license.” Super, super badass, Rick Ross.
21. ‘Boss’
From now on, when somebody says something to me indicating an end to the conversation – “Sir, have a nice day,” for example, from which a simple “You too” would suffice – I will, like Rick Ross, simply say, “Boss.”
