Emotional Affairs and the damage they cause

[followup]

Do you think an emotional affair is worse for the unknowing spouse than a physical affair? What are your thoughts on men and women being involved in friendships (with the opposite sex) which do not include their respective wives/husbands?

http://marriage.about.com/od/infidelity/ss/emotionalaffair.htm
'An emotional affair generally starts innocently enough as a friendship.
Here's information about what an emotional affair is, how an emotional affair differs from a platonic friendship, warning signs of an emotional affair, how to protect yourself from an emotional affair, a quiz, poll, and more.

Through investing emotional energy and time with one another outside the marriage relationship, the former platonic friendship can begin to form a strong emotional bond which hurts the intimacy of the marriage relationship.

While there are those who believe that an emotional affair is harmless, most marriage experts view an emotional affair as cheating without having a sexual relationship.

Emotional affairs are often gateway affairs leading to full blown sexual infidelity.

"About half of such emotional involvements do eventually turn into full-blown affairs, sex and all."
Source: MSNBC

For some individuals, the most hurtful and painful consequences of an emotional affair is the sense of being deceived, betrayed, and lied to.'

Difference between an emotional affair and a platonic friend:
'A platonic friendship can evolve into an emotional affair when the investment of intimate information crosses the boundaries set by the married couple.
An emotional affair is opening a door that should remain closed.

One of the differences between a platonic friendship and an emotional affair is that an emotional affair is kept secret.

A third difference is that people involved in an emotional affair often feel a sexual attraction for one another. Sometimes the sexual attraction is acknowledged and sometimes it isn't.'

 

[followup]

I think the physical affair is worse because at least with the emotional affair you can become more understanding...but once that physical boundary is crossed, I don't even want to be with you any more. I'm not comfortable having single or even married male friends who my guy has not met. it just leaves too much room for problems. Also I do not discuss my relationship with other men because I feel like they will think I am complaining or subtly telling them that I want to move on...what do you all think?

 

[Mrfreddygoodbud]

Yeah its all about being true, if your other is open about their friendship and you know pretty much everything discussed its cool, if its a secret relationship she is hiding, then there is something wrong..

trust and communication if you are missing one of these in a relationship, its not built to last.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

Completely the opposite here follow. Emotional affairs are far more devastating to me. Because the physical means nothing. Not in the long run especially. With emotional affairs that's sharing your INNER self. Your inner feelings. Fucking a pussy is just a pussy it's not really anything special. Not REALLY. But with emotions you lose TIME. You lose real true MEANING. You lose experiences. You lose a lot of things that a couple needs to be connected. If you give that to someone else. If you come home and instead of telling your spouse how your day was, instead of telling them what problems you're experiencing. You tell your adulterer partner your problem. That time and that issue is something LOST to all of you. To your relationship, your oneness of being. Physical adultery is blah, it can LEAD to emotions sure. It's a big gateway. But emotions are much stronger in my view than anything that can happen physically.

 

[followup]

Yeah its all about being true, if your other is open about their friendship and you know pretty much everything discussed its cool, if its a secret relationship she is hiding, then there is something wrong..

trust and communication if you are missing one of these in a relationship, its not built to last.

Yeah that's true. My only issue is when he has a friend who he knows I would not approve of or vice versa. It's like, oh, if we were not married I could be friends with whoever I want, but because you are here, I can't be me...you know what I mean?

 

[followup]

Completely the opposite here follow. Emotional affairs are far more devastating to me. Because the physical means nothing. Not in the long run especially. With emotional affairs that's sharing your INNER self. Your inner feelings. Fucking a pussy is just a pussy it's not really anything special. Not REALLY. But with emotions you lose TIME. You lose real true MEANING. You lose experiences. You lose a lot of things that a couple needs to be connected. If you give that to someone else. If you come home and instead of telling your spouse how your day was, instead of telling them what problems you're experiencing. You tell your adulterer partner your problem. That time and that issue is something LOST to all of you. To your relationship, your oneness of being. Physical adultery is blah, it can LEAD to emotions sure. It's a big gateway. But emotions are much stronger in my view than anything that can happen physically.

yeah, that's true too. I guess it's all really bad, I would be hurt finding out about either one...would hate to feel like I have to keep tabs or get a P.I. on his ass.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

Yeah both hurt. Can hurt. How it is in my relationship is that the sex part is something temporary. You're not spending 10 hours a day with your spouse screwing. No you should be spending it talking, sharing, experiencing life. My spouses and i, we spent alot of time together, because time and love is what was important to us. Me cooking, us eating dinner together. I have known A LOT Of men over my time who give their different reasons for their sexual escapades and very seldom is it ever emotional. It's almost always just to fill a physical need or some kind of insecurity.

 

[dHustla]

I think the physical affair is worse because at least with the emotional affair you can become more understanding...but once that physical boundary is crossed, I don't even want to be with you any more. I'm not comfortable having single or even married male friends who my guy has not met. it just leaves too much room for problems. Also I do not discuss my relationship with other men because I feel like they will think I am complaining or subtly telling them that I want to move on...what do you all think?

You a trip!

I think cheating is the lack of honesty of the heart. If you not happy, let it be known.

I'm single because I would be mentally cheating all the time , mostly on BGOL.

But yea, there is a boundary and it should be clearly defined with both partners in the relationship. Obviously, some people's boundary would be different from others.

Sadly, this boundary is crossed all the time with women and there female friends. Just by telling relationship business to someone that's not in the relationship, then subjecting it to ....hatin' ass hoes.

 

[Izayoi]

Completely the opposite here follow. Emotional affairs are far more devastating to me. Because the physical means nothing. Not in the long run especially. With emotional affairs that's sharing your INNER self. Your inner feelings. Fucking a pussy is just a pussy it's not really anything special. Not REALLY. But with emotions you lose TIME. You lose real true MEANING. You lose experiences. You lose a lot of things that a couple needs to be connected. If you give that to someone else. If you come home and instead of telling your spouse how your day was, instead of telling them what problems you're experiencing. You tell your adulterer partner your problem. That time and that issue is something LOST to all of you. To your relationship, your oneness of being. Physical adultery is blah, it can LEAD to emotions sure. It's a big gateway. But emotions are much stronger in my view than anything that can happen physically.

Agreed. I've been in this situation and it's tough and very insidious. It can start out innocent, but once an attraction is there things can go emotionally from 0-60. It's a hard thing too because it's easy to rationalize "well I never FUCKED him," but there's damage done all the same.

 

[dHustla]

Completely the opposite here follow. Emotional affairs are far more devastating to me. Because the physical means nothing. Not in the long run especially. With emotional affairs that's sharing your INNER self. Your inner feelings. Fucking a pussy is just a pussy it's not really anything special. Not REALLY. But with emotions you lose TIME. You lose real true MEANING. You lose experiences. You lose a lot of things that a couple needs to be connected. If you give that to someone else. If you come home and instead of telling your spouse how your day was, instead of telling them what problems you're experiencing. You tell your adulterer partner your problem. That time and that issue is something LOST to all of you. To your relationship, your oneness of being. Physical adultery is blah, it can LEAD to emotions sure. It's a big gateway. But emotions are much stronger in my view than anything that can happen physically.

Exactly! It's just a piece of pussy!

I guess it takes a woman that likes pussy to understand this.

Essentially it breaks down like this, you (man or woman) can have sex with someone without being emotionally bound to them or even in a relationship, much easier than we can be emotionally bound to someone without anything physical

 

[dHustla]

I'd give my dick to a woman before I'd give her my heart.

emotional > physical

 

[dHustla]

Agreed. I've been in this situation and it's tough and very insidious. It can start out innocent, but once an attraction is there things can go emotionally from 0-60. It's a hard thing too because it's easy to rationalize "well I never FUCKED him," but there's damage done all the same.

Damn! You fell for him hard, didn't you?

That's how it happen to 'em

 

[dHustla]

 

[Izayoi]

Damn! You fell for him hard, didn't you?

That's how it happen to 'em

Yeah it was rough! But really in hindsight it was a valuable experience like all of life's rough patches.

 

[followup]

Exactly! It's just a piece of pussy!

I guess it takes a woman that likes pussy to understand this.

Essentially it breaks down like this, you (man or woman) can have sex with someone without being emotionally bound to them or even in a relationship, much easier than we can be emotionally bound to someone without anything physical

then why do men go so bananas when they find out their woman has been having sex with (an)other man/men if it's just dick?

 

[dHustla]

then why do men go so bananas when they find out their woman has been having sex with (an)other man/men if it's just dick?

First off, I can only speak for myself, and I ain't goin' ham about shit. I can take it or leave it

with that said, one should understand that we, men and women, have different standards and have had these differences since the beginning of time.

A woman's virtue is 'supposedly' one of her most valued possessions, if not the most valued. Now if she doesn't value her own virtue as much as her man, then he's made out to be the fool. Because he invested in her virtue...essentially.

Not to mention the deception, which is a deal breaker for me. I can't fuck with nobody I can't trust (as far as a relationship), no pun intended but eh.

 

[KW13537]

then why do men go so bananas when they find out their woman has been having sex with (an)other man/men if it's just dick?

Because men realize that MOST women aren't built that way. The emotional connection usually comes before the sex or becomes heavy because of the sex.

 

[Upgrade Dave]

Completely the opposite here follow. Emotional affairs are far more devastating to me. Because the physical means nothing. Not in the long run especially. With emotional affairs that's sharing your INNER self. Your inner feelings. Fucking a pussy is just a pussy it's not really anything special. Not REALLY. But with emotions you lose TIME. You lose real true MEANING. You lose experiences. You lose a lot of things that a couple needs to be connected. If you give that to someone else. If you come home and instead of telling your spouse how your day was, instead of telling them what problems you're experiencing. You tell your adulterer partner your problem. That time and that issue is something LOST to all of you. To your relationship, your oneness of being. Physical adultery is blah, it can LEAD to emotions sure. It's a big gateway. But emotions are much stronger in my view than anything that can happen physically.

Same.

 

[followup]

First off, I can only speak for myself, and I ain't goin' ham about shit. I can take it or leave it

with that said, one should understand that we, men and women, have different standards and have had these differences since the beginning of time.

A woman's virtue is 'supposedly' one of her most valued possessions, if not the most valued. Now if she doesn't value her own virtue as much as her man, then he's made out to be the fool. Because he invested in her virtue...essentially.

Not to mention the deception, which is a deal breaker for me. I can't fuck with nobody I can't trust (as far as a relationship), no pun intended but eh.

Because men realize that MOST women aren't built that way. The emotional connection usually comes before the sex or becomes heavy because of the sex.

 

[dHustla]

First off, I can only speak for myself, and I ain't goin' ham about shit. I can take it or leave it

with that said, one should understand that we, men and women, have different standards and have had these differences since the beginning of time.

A woman's virtue is 'supposedly' one of her most valued possessions, if not the most valued. Now if she doesn't value her own virtue as much as her man, then he's made out to be the fool. Because he invested in her virtue...essentially.

Not to mention the deception, which is a deal breaker for me. I can't fuck with nobody I can't trust (as far as a relationship), no pun intended but eh.

Because men realize that MOST women aren't built that way. The emotional connection usually comes before the sex or becomes heavy because of the sex.

...

First off, I can only speak for myself, and I ain't goin' ham about shit.

 

[playahaitian]

Exactly! It's just a piece of pussy!

I guess it takes a woman that likes pussy to understand this.

Essentially it breaks down like this, you (man or woman) can have sex with someone without being emotionally bound to them or even in a relationship, much easier than we can be emotionally bound to someone without anything physical

this is so true but you have to remember that woman HE is sleeping with gets emotional too so its never a good situation...

IU do think women tend to get MORE emotionally attached regardless of emotional or physical.

thats why I think SERIOUSLY... handjob, blowjob is not as intimate as kissing, hand holding, late night conversations.

I know it sounds STUPID but it does happen, if a woman knows its a one off...

she can accept better then a "friendhip"

 

[dHustla]

this is so true but you have to remember that woman HE is sleeping with gets emotional too so its never a good situation...

IU do think women tend to get MORE emotionally attached regardless of emotional or physical.

thats why I think SERIOUSLY... handjob, blowjob is not as intimate as kissing, hand holding, late night conversations.

I know it sounds STUPID but it does happen, if a woman knows its a one off...

she can accept better then a "friendhip"

agreed

 

[Upgrade Dave]

this is so true but you have to remember that woman HE is sleeping with gets emotional too so its never a good situation...

IU do think women tend to get MORE emotionally attached regardless of emotional or physical.

thats why I think SERIOUSLY... handjob, blowjob is not as intimate as kissing, hand holding, late night conversations.

I know it sounds STUPID but it does happen, if a woman knows its a one off...

she can accept better then a "friendhip"

 

[Upgrade Dave]

Because men realize that MOST women aren't built that way. The emotional connection usually comes before the sex or becomes heavy because of the sex.

Most men think that but it's not as true or, better stated, as universally true as it's made out to be and it definitely isn't as one sided. One of the things I've learned in my 37 long and glorious years is that many of the things people say about men and women is bullshit and this is one.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

I think that when a guy does freak out about a woman being with another man it's because men see us as property instead of individuals. People. Their property, is directly reflecting their ego. So yeah, the guy is all upset about his woman being with another guy effects his feelings that he's less of a man.

This is 1 of the reasons i'm just SOOOO in favor of open relationships. Keep it REAL. Keep it OPEN. No lies. No frayed senses or nerves.

 

[Upgrade Dave]

I think that when a guy does freak out about a woman being with another man it's because men see us as property instead of individuals. People. Their property, is directly reflecting their ego. So yeah, the guy is all upset about his woman being with another guy effects his feelings that he's less of a man.

This is 1 of the reasons i'm just SOOOO in favor of open relationships. Keep it REAL. Keep it OPEN. No lies. No frayed senses or nerves.

That may play a part at times but how's that different from women? A certain degree of propriety comes with a relationship, especially a marriage. "My man" and "my woman" are common phrases for people in committed relationships.
An open relationship sounds nice but most people can't handle it because it would require truth and openness and that scares the shit out of people.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

With a man it's ego, with a woman it's security. Her reality is shaken. Alot of times. Same emotions, different origins. Kinda the same emotions anyway. Neither is better or worse. Theoretically speaking lol. (You know who i think is worse!)

Open relationships do fail because people just revert to being people alot of times and just lie when they don't have too. They lie to protect that peace or semblance of same that they usually have. They aren't as secure as they believed they were to begin with a lot of times when they first started the relationship either.

 

[Mo-Better]

I think the physical affair is worse because at least with the emotional affair you can become more understanding...but once that physical boundary is crossed, I don't even want to be with you any more. I'm not comfortable having single or even married male friends who my guy has not met. it just leaves too much room for problems. Also I do not discuss my relationship with other men because I feel like they will think I am complaining or subtly telling them that I want to move on...what do you all think?

Truthfully they both are devastating. To allow yourself into an emotional relationship with another man is as damaging as having your man engage in a physical affair with another woman. In fact emotional affair may even be worse.

Many of us have engaged the physical thing. It works for awhile then it ends. Even if the physical relationship grows its based upon the physical attraction those relationships don't last. We quickly get over them.

Now the emotional relationship is far deeper than most think. That person is deeply embedded in your mind. Their presence is as important to you as that of your mate. There's a special love there and many times that love is on a level your mate can't even match. An yeah as someone alluded to it can be a gateway to a sexual relationship. An as Izzy stated it is insidious, experienced it myself Izzy.

An Followup, I think it is tough for a woman to discuss her relationship with a man. We tend to want to "get involved."

 

[Upgrade Dave]

With a man it's ego, with a woman it's security. Her reality is shaken. Alot of times. Same emotions, different origins. Kinda the same emotions anyway. Neither is better or worse. Theoretically speaking lol. (You know who i think is worse!)

What is this "ego" women keep using in reference to men as if women don't possess it? Who keeps putting this out there and why do people keep believing it? This is part of the thing that I say bestow a sense of humanness to women while simultaneously stripping from men.
In this society men are taught to erect walls and keep people at a distance so when a woman cheats on a man, it's not an ego blow as much as having his own emotional security shaken. As my woman, if I can't trust you, who can I trust? That's not ego.

Open relationships do fail because people just revert to being people alot of times and just lie when they don't have too. They lie to protect that peace or semblance of same that they usually have. They aren't as secure as they believed they were to begin with a lot of times when they first started the relationship either.

I completely agree. I've been in non-exclusive relationships where I've made it painfully clear that the chick can do whatever just let me know what's going on and they still lie.

 

[dHustla]

I think that when a guy does freak out about a woman being with another man it's because men see us as property instead of individuals. People. Their property, is directly reflecting their ego. So yeah, the guy is all upset about his woman being with another guy effects his feelings that he's less of a man.

This is 1 of the reasons i'm just SOOOO in favor of open relationships. Keep it REAL. Keep it OPEN. No lies. No frayed senses or nerves.

Maybe this is true. Because I don't have a big ego and have no qualms about letting a woman do her thang. I don't want to a chick. I'm not possessive at all.

I believe in openness as well. But Dave is right, truthfulness frightens people, men and women.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

What is this "ego" women keep using in reference to men as if women don't possess it? Who keeps putting this out there and why do people keep believing it? This is part of the thing that I say bestow a sense of humanness to women while simultaneously stripping from men.
In this society men are taught to erect walls and keep people at a distance so when a woman cheats on a man, it's not an ego blow as much as having his own emotional security shaken. As my woman, if I can't trust you, who can I trust? That's not ego.

You're cool, i feel i can discuss with you. I've listened too and spoken to a lot of males and i have come to get a nice view of them. Something i consider an accurate view because often the ones i've spoken too, their behavior fits others who i haven't spoken too.

I'm not saying males don't have feelings. I'm saying their feelings come from a different place than woman's. When it's betrayal. It's not coming from the same place of betrayal as a womans is all i'm saying.

I completely agree. I've been in non-exclusive relationships where I've made it painfully clear that the chick can do whatever just let me know what's going on and they still lie.

lol yeah i've done this with women alot. Lie like it was 2nd nature. Until i grew up.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

Maybe this is true. Because I don't have a big ego and have no qualms about letting a woman do her thang. I don't want to a chick. I'm not possessive at all.

I believe in openness as well. But Dave is right, truthfulness frightens people, men and women.

My husband was mucht he same. Hardly any ego at all. Wasn't possesive at all. Extremely secure.

 

[Upgrade Dave]

You're cool, i feel i can discuss with you. I've listened too and spoken to a lot of males and i have come to get a nice view of them. Something i consider an accurate view because often the ones i've spoken too, their behavior fits others who i haven't spoken too.

I'm not saying males don't have feelings. I'm saying their feelings come from a different place than woman's. When it's betrayal. It's not coming from the same place of betrayal as a womans is all i'm saying.

On that, we agree but I don't think you understand or don't appreciate where men's feelings come from. When women casually cast aside men's perspective as "ego" or "ego-driven", it minimizes us and creating distance and hostility because no one likes to be dismissed.

 

[WhenTheGoingGetsTtuff]

I can see how you would say that. I was married for a long time to a man who didn't have such an ego. And i saw it in a LOT of other males. Hell, MOST of them. (all lol). So in my way i count it as sjust something they do. It's a part of them. So maybe it's a discounting, but then i do that with people in general really.

 

[Upgrade Dave]

I never met your husband but you should not equate self confidence with a lack of ego. We all have it. Just not in the stereotypical way presented by the media and, honestly, a lot of men.