Contemplating suicide

slewdem100

Rising Star
OG Investor
58 life done beat the shit out of me. Sacrificed my whole life for the fam 8 kids 5 boys 3 girls. All they talk about is when I die the house this and that. One son played NFL ball one played Hockey but they are building their family and cant help at all. One son said I will help fix up the house if I put him on the deed. I always had the most potential. MBA. Service connected disabled vet owned LLC. Agent for a trucking Brokerage. Own a notary service, 501c3 non profit. But I can't get shit to equate to finance. Really tired. Don't know what to do. Should be pulling this trigger but I am failing at that. Not looking for sympathy just an old tired man. I feel like I have failed as a father a son a brother and a husband.
As someone else said, go the hospital right now to get yourself off the cliff

You raised 8 kids so you aint no failure by any definition of the world....dont be afraid to pack up your shit and do some wild shit like move to another country...you can kill the old you and make a new version of yourself without going the route of suicide...if you feeling boxed in, thats your mind playing tricks on you....the world is too big to feel boxed in...let go of some of those pressures and expectations of others, but stick around man to see what life has to offer when you open your mind to a new you....shit man, your kids may even surprise you in a good way....wouldn't you want to be here to see that?
 

bigdog_bx

Rising Star
BGOL Investor
Bro, I feel you and am surely right there with you. In the last 2 years I lost my little brother to suicide, my favorite uncle, a baby nephew to cancer, a 6 Figure business, my partner who I thought was one of my best friends was stealing from the company and left me with hella debt. Never borrowed money from friends or relatives as I was always the lender, and I lost 6 figs, in the stock market because I believed in a stock and let emotion cloud my view. So I got problems, but am seeking counseling now myself. I have my first appt next month. I stopped drinking, went back to the gym and am trying. Hang in there, get some counseling. If you want to talk for real, just to vent, as "The strong one" in the family, I know its hard talking to friends and family when you are down bad, send me a PM with your number and shit, I'll listen and offer any advice I can. We can get through this.
 

blackpepper

Rising Star
BGOL Investor
I've read all the comments to now, and there is some tremendous advice. In fact I can't think of anything more I could add, except this. From the statements in your original post you have accomplished a hell of a lot. Fathering eight children including pro athletes, serving your country and living to tell it, a masters degree, being a business owner, and operating a charitable organization are all MAJOR accomplishments. I get it that you're tired after all that, but at only 58 years old you could have a lot of life left, and I mean good living. As much as anything you simply need another perspective, because from where the majority of us are looking at you, you are winning, even crushing it. As so many others have said, please get some therapy immediately and or long term counseling. I don't think it would really take much for you to turn around and be able to see what I see.
 

Darrkman

Hollis, Queens = Center of the Universe
BGOL Investor
58 life done beat the shit out of me. Sacrificed my whole life for the fam 8 kids 5 boys 3 girls. All they talk about is when I die the house this and that. One son played NFL ball one played Hockey but they are building their family and cant help at all. One son said I will help fix up the house if I put him on the deed. I always had the most potential. MBA. Service connected disabled vet owned LLC. Agent for a trucking Brokerage. Own a notary service, 501c3 non profit. But I can't get shit to equate to finance. Really tired. Don't know what to do. Should be pulling this trigger but I am failing at that. Not looking for sympathy just an old tired man. I feel like I have failed as a father a son a brother and a husband.

 

slewdem100

Rising Star
OG Investor
Bro, I feel you and am surely right there with you. In the last 2 years I lost my little brother to suicide, my favorite uncle, a baby nephew to cancer, a 6 Figure business, my partner who I thought was one of my best friends was stealing from the company and left me with hella debt. Never borrowed money from friends or relatives as I was always the lender, and I lost 6 figs, in the stock market because I believed in a stock and let emotion cloud my view. So I got problems, but am seeking counseling now myself. I have my first appt next month. I stopped drinking, went back to the gym and am trying. Hang in there, get some counseling. If you want to talk for real, just to vent, as "The strong one" in the family, I know its hard talking to friends and family when you are down bad, send me a PM with your number and shit, I'll listen and offer any advice I can. We can get through this.
Respect warrior...fight it to fucking end
 

850credit

Rising Star
BGOL Investor
Couple years ago I was spending New Year's with my friend's family at a luxury highrise condo on the beach in Destin Florida.

Everyone else was having a great time and I was miserable, thinking about my family gatherings in years past. I was envious of my friend, not cause of his money and status, but because his family actually LIKED each other and was filled with laughter.

It bothered me to the point where I wouldn't come out my room. My girlfriend kept trying to make me be sociable. I finally had enough and started thinking about going over the 20th story balcony.

What stopped me was I didn't want his 3 kids to have that lasting memory. That's the only thing that stopped me.

Don't let suicide be the memory you leave your friends and family with. If possible get in touch with an ORDAINED minister close by. They are trained to deal with pretty much every situation in life. The older and Blacker the better lol.

I've never shared that story with anyone. Hopefully it helps you pull through.
 

yureeka9

Rising Star
Platinum Member
I asked one of my friends that's a VA social worker what you should do. Here's her response:


"I would encourage this person to call the Veterans Crisis Line at 988 (then Press 1) for help. If people on your message board know any information about this person they can make a call on their behalf. "
 

respiration

/ˌrespəˈrāSH(ə)n/
BGOL Patreon Investor
All these messages are LOVE, Blackman.

We all care for and believe in you.

The fact that you are drawing breath now means you have a purpose and that this is not the end.

Your value doesn't lie in what you do or don't have. It is in you being you. And that is enough.

I'm praying for you from my heart, Brother.

Call 988 like folks are saying.

Onwards and upwards. You've got a lot of life left to live.
 

blaze

Rising Star
BGOL Investor
58 life done beat the shit out of me. Sacrificed my whole life for the fam 8 kids 5 boys 3 girls. All they talk about is when I die the house this and that. One son played NFL ball one played Hockey but they are building their family and cant help at all. One son said I will help fix up the house if I put him on the deed. I always had the most potential. MBA. Service connected disabled vet owned LLC. Agent for a trucking Brokerage. Own a notary service, 501c3 non profit. But I can't get shit to equate to finance. Really tired. Don't know what to do. Should be pulling this trigger but I am failing at that. Not looking for sympathy just an old tired man. I feel like I have failed as a father a son a brother and a husband.
Is you still alive, Nigga!?! Holla at us!

I had a cousin and a homie to kill themselves. That shit was bad. I wish I could have talked to them. I may not have been able to stop it. I may not have been able to save them, but I would have liked to try. To see the families try to deal with that shit is beyond sad. You don't want to do this or you would have done it. Fuck it, sell that damn house and travel. Let your kids catch you on Insta.

Bruh, I love you and God love you too.
 

KoolJay

Vidi Veni Vici
BGOL Investor
Hey Bro.... Are you in the DMV, I am more than willing to come sit with you and listen, but in the meantime, please seek professional help. I just pray that your issues are just financial and not something more. Money can be made (maybe not when you want it) but it can be. Keep your head to the sky Champ and PLEASE talk to someone!!!
 
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scullydog

Rising Star
Platinum Member
58 life done beat the shit out of me. Sacrificed my whole life for the fam 8 kids 5 boys 3 girls. All they talk about is when I die the house this and that. One son played NFL ball one played Hockey but they are building their family and cant help at all. One son said I will help fix up the house if I put him on the deed. I always had the most potential. MBA. Service connected disabled vet owned LLC. Agent for a trucking Brokerage. Own a notary service, 501c3 non profit. But I can't get shit to equate to finance. Really tired. Don't know what to do. Should be pulling this trigger but I am failing at that. Not looking for sympathy just an old tired man. I feel like I have failed as a father a son a brother and a husband.
Bruh, life is a motherfucker, but you got fight in you. You have to have a lot of fight in you to write this message. So, lets kick this bitch called life in the ass and conquer it. With the notary service hook up with a broker or do a little google research on how to drum up business (https://www.nationalnotary.org/notary-bulletin/blog/2021/04/3-tiers-successful-notary-business). As far as being an agent for a trucking brokerage, then switch brokerages. Bruh, you are not alone, we all are going through it right now, but how we get out of it is start small and rise up. One step at a time. I got an insurance business I just started. I know what its going to take. I am investing all of my money back into the business. I am doing gig shit to make sure the bills get paid. Man, I don't want to do that shit, but I know I got to do it. Until, I get my books, and other business to pay for itself and support me, then I got to do what I got to do. Don't ever give up bruh. Never. Keep the faith. Believe in you and if your believe in a higher power, then reach out. You will get the help you need. You haven't failed. You have all the stuff you mention above. It took some work and perseverance to get all of the accomplishments you gained. It ain't easy getting a Master's degree. It ain't easy getting any kind of graduate degree. Fight a little harder and smarter. If you don't have costumers then learn to market. I am looking at books now. Get a SCRIBD account and learn everything you need. They have audio books as well as ebooks. Bruh, don't give up.
 

Thedod

Rising Star
BGOL Legend
Lets say you pull the trigger but don't die. You are going to feel stupid as hell and probably look real fucked up. Or maybe someone you know decided to leave you some real money, too late you are dead.
You obviously don't want to do it because you reached out to the board, if you were determined we would not even have this post.
So, if you are going to do it, do it and leave us out of it, if you are not going to do it call the suicide hotline and get some help.
 

PsiBorg

We Think, so We'll Know
BGOL Investor
"This too shall pass," it sounds cliche, but it's real Brother.

Live for yourself. If your children are raising their own families now, then that means you did a good job.

Your grandchildren will need your wisdom, that's a fact. You can give them what their parents can't/won't.
 

dinka64

Rising Star
BGOL Investor
Wow. Thank You ALL. I am reading after the fact. I wrote the message and was sitting in my car. minding My business just staring out the windshield. Someone called the police. a Black female officer was on my side with her hand on her weapon her partner a White boy had his gun drawn my gun was on my lap. The female tapped on my window and I let it down a little bit. she asked what's the problem. I said just tired of living this shitty existence. I thought I could chump out and get them to do it. I picked up my gun and the white boy dropped to his knees and so did the female and started praying. :eek2: the female got up opened my door grabbed my hand and pulled me out and hugged me then the white boy came over and said I love you man go home. :eek2:. I read every word yall posted and I cant argue that what I posted is fucked up but at the moment that's where I was. I have always been told I have a purpose, cheated death a few times. Just tired for real but I am off the ledge.
 

850credit

Rising Star
BGOL Investor
Wow. Thank You ALL. I am reading after the fact. I wrote the message and was sitting in my car. minding My business just staring out the windshield. Someone called the police. a Black female officer was on my side with her hand on her weapon her partner a White boy had his gun drawn my gun was on my lap. The female tapped on my window and I let it down a little bit. she asked what's the problem. I said just tired of living this shitty existence. I thought I could chump out and get them to do it. I picked up my gun and the white boy dropped to his knees and so did the female and started praying. :eek2: the female got up opened my door grabbed my hand and pulled me out and hugged me then the white boy came over and said I love you man go home. :eek2:. I read every word yall posted and I cant argue that what I posted is fucked up but at the moment that's where I was. I have always been told I have a purpose, cheated death a few times. Just tired for real but I am off the ledge.

Damn. Glad to hear you made it home alive. Take that as a sign...in my town they would shoot first as soon as they saw that gun.
 

yureeka9

Rising Star
Platinum Member
Wow. Thank You ALL. I am reading after the fact. I wrote the message and was sitting in my car. minding My business just staring out the windshield. Someone called the police. a Black female officer was on my side with her hand on her weapon her partner a White boy had his gun drawn my gun was on my lap. The female tapped on my window and I let it down a little bit. she asked what's the problem. I said just tired of living this shitty existence. I thought I could chump out and get them to do it. I picked up my gun and the white boy dropped to his knees and so did the female and started praying. :eek2: the female got up opened my door grabbed my hand and pulled me out and hugged me then the white boy came over and said I love you man go home. :eek2:. I read every word yall posted and I cant argue that what I posted is fucked up but at the moment that's where I was. I have always been told I have a purpose, cheated death a few times. Just tired for real but I am off the ledge.
denzel-washington-my-heart.gif
 

respiration

/ˌrespəˈrāSH(ə)n/
BGOL Patreon Investor
Wow. Thank You ALL. I am reading after the fact. I wrote the message and was sitting in my car. minding My business just staring out the windshield. Someone called the police. a Black female officer was on my side with her hand on her weapon her partner a White boy had his gun drawn my gun was on my lap. The female tapped on my window and I let it down a little bit. she asked what's the problem. I said just tired of living this shitty existence. I thought I could chump out and get them to do it. I picked up my gun and the white boy dropped to his knees and so did the female and started praying. :eek2: the female got up opened my door grabbed my hand and pulled me out and hugged me then the white boy came over and said I love you man go home. :eek2:. I read every word yall posted and I cant argue that what I posted is fucked up but at the moment that's where I was. I have always been told I have a purpose, cheated death a few times. Just tired for real but I am off the ledge.
I praised God for that. You've made my week, Brother.
 

mcguyver

Rising Star
OG Investor
58 life done beat the shit out of me. Sacrificed my whole life for the fam 8 kids 5 boys 3 girls. All they talk about is when I die the house this and that. One son played NFL ball one played Hockey but they are building their family and cant help at all. One son said I will help fix up the house if I put him on the deed. I always had the most potential. MBA. Service connected disabled vet owned LLC. Agent for a trucking Brokerage. Own a notary service, 501c3 non profit. But I can't get shit to equate to finance. Really tired. Don't know what to do. Should be pulling this trigger but I am failing at that. Not looking for sympathy just an old tired man. I feel like I have failed as a father a son a brother and a husband.


You have the seeds and foundation for success. Set a goal, Distance yourself from the assholes in your life and push toward the goal.
 

4 Dimensional

Rising Star
Platinum Member
Wow. Thank You ALL. I am reading after the fact. I wrote the message and was sitting in my car. minding My business just staring out the windshield. Someone called the police. a Black female officer was on my side with her hand on her weapon her partner a White boy had his gun drawn my gun was on my lap. The female tapped on my window and I let it down a little bit. she asked what's the problem. I said just tired of living this shitty existence. I thought I could chump out and get them to do it. I picked up my gun and the white boy dropped to his knees and so did the female and started praying. :eek2: the female got up opened my door grabbed my hand and pulled me out and hugged me then the white boy came over and said I love you man go home. :eek2:. I read every word yall posted and I cant argue that what I posted is fucked up but at the moment that's where I was. I have always been told I have a purpose, cheated death a few times. Just tired for real but I am off the ledge.

Oh now we can’t say “fuck the police”

giphy.gif


Glad you decided to stick it out another day. Hang in there fam.
 

OutlawR.O.C.

R.I.P. shanebp1978
BGOL Investor
Wow. Thank You ALL. I am reading after the fact. I wrote the message and was sitting in my car. minding My business just staring out the windshield. Someone called the police. a Black female officer was on my side with her hand on her weapon her partner a White boy had his gun drawn my gun was on my lap. The female tapped on my window and I let it down a little bit. she asked what's the problem. I said just tired of living this shitty existence. I thought I could chump out and get them to do it. I picked up my gun and the white boy dropped to his knees and so did the female and started praying. :eek2: the female got up opened my door grabbed my hand and pulled me out and hugged me then the white boy came over and said I love you man go home. :eek2:. I read every word yall posted and I cant argue that what I posted is fucked up but at the moment that's where I was. I have always been told I have a purpose, cheated death a few times. Just tired for real but I am off the ledge.

Glad to hear you're still with us.

A few brothers in this thread have offered to speak with and even meet with you to give you support and someone to talk to.

Please take them up on their offer.
 
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